SEARCHING FOR MYSELF

Copyright @sugataroy, 2008 allrightsreserved

In my pursuit to find back the left over… (if there were any)… in the ruins of my shattered dreams… I ran around like a lone vagabond survivor… grabbing at all things that looked colorful… that disillusioned me… for I needed to eat… to survive… my right to laugh… I tried to heal them…  but they poisoned me… I fell for the delicacies that attracted me… with their fatal charms… meant to kill… ME! … the innocence in the poor lonely ME!... The only kind of species I guess… on this boulevard of catastrophic reign of life...

…am hollow… like a fresh bamboo stem… hard outside… fragile inside… look through and see everything… emptiness… ‘cos there’s nothing to see… Blow in …and you hear my voice… free; like trapped in a prism...

Nights and days… all same… Dark and lone… captivated like a prisoner… Moving from door to door… opening and closing… there’s no way out… still hoping… but everytime falling… into my blasphemy… am wasted… broken to pieces… though standing… as I regain the energy just like old times… then to fight… now to struggle… to survive…

…the roads are now known… they are open… endless… with multiple destinations… destinations nowhere… I can see… never reach…

feels like hero… feels like being zero… feels like a lone crusader… feels like hearing voices… cross-fading… ascending and descending… feels like living… feels like  phoenix… choked in ashes… feels unfit… in own shoes… feels like loving… feels like dying… feels like haunting… feels like loosing… own shadows… feels like running… from own reflections… from you… that is Me… feels like looking at you… feels like a meltdown… submerging and vanishing… sacrificing for you…for Me… Feels like hearing… feels like wanting… things you don’t say but mean… feels like feeling good… feels like static… standing at the same place where I was left… frozen… stoned… feels like waiting… to be taken… to the doors closed… in a heart shaped box… feels like crawling… feels like searching… feels like scary… to be left undone… forgone… Feels like being the only one… raped and worshipped… feels like feeling… hoping… to crawl and smell around..

feels like holding… feels like drenched… in own blood… smothered in own skin… feels like shutting… forgetting… just to feel again… the need… feels like keeping… engraving… the pain inside… feels good… everytime reminding of words… of times… pushed inside… covered… six feet deep… underneath… feels like saying… feels like resisting…  

… calling… as you were… as I want you to be… as an old memory… standing… falling… crawling… rising… floating… self enriched… eyes wide shut… cos there’s nothing more to see… just walking… till the end of time… waiting… till time itself ends…

…till attaining NIRVANA… Searching for Myself…

ON A PLAIN

HEARTSHAPED BOX

For KURT COBAIN and his NIRVANA…

I need an easy friend
I do ... with an ear to lend
I do ... think you fit this shoe
I do ... won't you have a clue

I'll take advantage while
You hang me out to dry
But I can't see you every night
For free
I do ... 
                              -NIRVANA 

Running wild… following the stars… I saw peace… I saw pain… With every step… trying my to do the best to look beyond the horizon… over the hills…my struggle to see the light behind the walls… walls of thick black smoke and clouds… a tornado of black wind always spinning me … throwing me round and round… back to back… to and fro the same place… again and again…