SEARCHING FOR MYSELF
Copyright @sugataroy, 2008 allrightsreserved
In my pursuit to find back the left over… (if there were any)… in the ruins of my shattered dreams… I ran around like a lone vagabond survivor… grabbing at all things that looked colorful… that disillusioned me… for I needed to eat… to survive… my right to laugh… I tried to heal them… but they poisoned me… I fell for the delicacies that attracted me… with their fatal charms… meant to kill… ME! … the innocence in the poor lonely ME!... The only kind of species I guess… on this boulevard of catastrophic reign of life...
…am hollow… like a fresh bamboo stem… hard outside… fragile inside… look through and see everything… emptiness… ‘cos there’s nothing to see… Blow in …and you hear my voice… free; like trapped in a prism...
Nights and days… all same… Dark and lone… captivated like a prisoner… Moving from door to door… opening and closing… there’s no way out… still hoping… but everytime falling… into my blasphemy… am wasted… broken to pieces… though standing… as I regain the energy just like old times… then to fight… now to struggle… to survive…
…the roads are now known… they are open… endless… with multiple destinations… destinations nowhere… I can see… never reach…
feels like hero… feels like being zero… feels like a lone crusader… feels like hearing voices… cross-fading… ascending and descending… feels like living… feels like phoenix… choked in ashes… feels unfit… in own shoes… feels like loving… feels like dying… feels like haunting… feels like loosing… own shadows… feels like running… from own reflections… from you… that is Me… feels like looking at you… feels like a meltdown… submerging and vanishing… sacrificing for you…for Me… Feels like hearing… feels like wanting… things you don’t say but mean… feels like feeling good… feels like static… standing at the same place where I was left… frozen… stoned… feels like waiting… to be taken… to the doors closed… in a heart shaped box… feels like crawling… feels like searching… feels like scary… to be left undone… forgone… Feels like being the only one… raped and worshipped… feels like feeling… hoping… to crawl and smell around..
feels like holding… feels like drenched… in own blood… smothered in own skin… feels like shutting… forgetting… just to feel again… the need… feels like keeping… engraving… the pain inside… feels good… everytime reminding of words… of times… pushed inside… covered… six feet deep… underneath… feels like saying… feels like resisting…
… calling… as you were… as I want you to be… as an old memory… standing… falling… crawling… rising… floating… self enriched… eyes wide shut… cos there’s nothing more to see… just walking… till the end of time… waiting… till time itself ends…
…till attaining NIRVANA… Searching for Myself…
ON A PLAIN
I'll start this off
Without any words
I got so high that
I scratched 'til I bled
Love myself
Better than you
I know it's wrong
So what should I do?
The finest day
That I ever had
Was when I learned
To cry on command
Love myself
Better than you
I know it's wrong
So what should I do?
I'm on a plain
I can't complain
I'm on a plain
My mother died
Every night
It's safe to say
Don't quote me on that
Love myself
Better than you
I know it's wrong
So what should I do?
The black sheep got
Blackmailed again
Forgot to put
On the zip code
Love myself
Better than you
I know it's wrong
So what should I do?
I'm on a plain
I can't complain
I'm on a plain
Somewhere I have heard this before
In a dream my memory has stored
As defense I'm neutered and spayed
What the hell am I trying to say?
It is now time
To make it unclear
To write off lines
That don't make a sense
Love myself
Better than you
I know it's wrong
So what should I do?
One more special
Message to go
And then I'm done
And I can go home
Love myself
Better than you
I know it's wrong
So what should I do?
I'm on a plain
I can't complain
I'm on a plain
I can't complain
I'm on a plain
I can't complain
I'm on a plain
I can't complain
I'm on a plain
I can't complain…
HEARTSHAPED BOX
She eyes me like a pisces when I am weak
I've been locked inside your heart-shaped box for a week
I was drawn into your magnet tar pit trap
I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn back
Hey
Wait
I've got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Hate
Height
I've got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Hey
Wait
I've got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice
Meat-eating orchids forgive no one just yet
Cut myself on angel's hair and baby's breath
Broken hymen of your highness I'm left black
Throw down your umbilical noose so I can climb right back
For KURT COBAIN and his NIRVANA…
I need an easy friend
I do ... with an ear to lend
I do ... think you fit this shoe
I do ... won't you have a clue
I'll take advantage while
You hang me out to dry
But I can't see you every night
For free
I do ...
-NIRVANA
Running wild… following the stars… I saw peace… I saw pain… With every step… trying my to do the best to look beyond the horizon… over the hills…my struggle to see the light behind the walls… walls of thick black smoke and clouds… a tornado of black wind always spinning me … throwing me round and round… back to back… to and fro the same place… again and again…
Close
Dorky... music, deffy is in your soul. Like the music of the dead grand masters.. and a certain cynical dissillusionment too... I guess there is no medicine for such a disease.. its the curse of being who you are, who knows, it might just be JUST the blessing you need, dorky :-)
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Heyyy Psyche...
Good to see ya here... long time buddy...
Howz ya doing...??
Okayyy my..my...!! a long thought provoking comment... with critics... You win the critics awards from me... Liked it....!!
See... You seek NIRVANA when everything is fullfilled...or you don have anymore of the worldy desires on this planet... you sttain spiritual freedom... No lust for materialistic stuffs... either you get stoned or are free....!! I neva said life is stuffed... Maybe I was stuffing till nw with ma desires and dreams... human tendency u c...!!
When I say I am done... is ma journey of search and achieveing and desiring is over... Gotta reach above now...someplace ...something else...!!
Of course I know my life better than anyone else... Thats y i seek NIRVANA... a dumb idiot who dosn know anything bout his life... is a useless bugger... how can he even think of Nirvana...he wont even know the meaning of it...!!I see hope now for something else...something beyond the normal understanding of our material society... beyond the materialistic selfissh HOPES that surrouns ourselves...
For they hurt you when you dont get them... so better not dream and hope of all this worldly pleasures... for maybe they were not meant for you or I was not made for them... Destined to loose kinda thing... so better stop bloody striving to gain...!!
and be yourself...have peace...! to your self ad your soul self...
I think a lottt... don need anymore... I have been thinking last 15 years...!!
I know that cos its ama life...!!
You didn't get the meaning what i wrote... YOu didn;t understood at all...!!
wateva
thanxx for coming...and the write up... It wasnna so NICE.. I know... so Nice or neatly wrapped ..etc... etc... i am keeping aside...
cheers
Achs
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Hiiii Promilla...
Wowww!!! thats some intellectual approach to ma words...
Loved ur comment... Is the best one here i guess... :)))
Yeah!!! running away from anything neva helps.... we gotta face it... however hard or bitter it is...!!
Am glad you liked it...
and thanxx a lottt for coming and sharing your warm words...
keep visiting plsss..
cheers n regards
Achi
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Hiii Magica....
hhaha... I was listening a lott of NIRVANA songs the whole day... and was kinda missing KURT COBAIN a lottt...LOL
wish he was here... felt myself like him... he is kinda god for me...u c...
yeah!! plain is an awsome song... will post the track sometime...!!
am glad u liked it...!!
NIRVANA is what i guess we all seek for....in some way or other...
thanxx for the wshes... asl long as friendz like ya r there i sure will get it... and a lot more...
cheers n love
Sugs
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This is with reference to your comment achi... you say you want nirvana, fair enough, but when you say you're done with this life i choose to disagree, cos life is not something that has been stuffed into you, its been GIVEN, which means every twist and turn in your life makes you what you are today... and if you say you're done with it, what were you all this while? and how can u see 'glimpses of hope' in a life you dont even know about... more so when you say you have no hope or desire in your present life which is lying in your hands??? think about it!
Nice write up tho, neatly wrapped!
psych
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I think this is the moment of awakening When you start questioning your being and search for self begins.
When pain and peace is at the same time and place it is Nirvan. Running away won't help.
Very philosophical and thought provoking.
Cheers
Promilla
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Hey thatz a cool write. wonder what kind of mood u were in when you wrote it.
In any case searching for nirvana...and yourself is good.
Loved the lyrics of on a plain.
And the prose that went with it...
may u succeed in your search.
me.
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hiiii Ehsaas...
Well... NIRAVAN is wat we all seek for... and Me... thts the only thing left for me now to think of... AM DONE WITH THIS LIFE....!!! maybe....!!!
No more desires... no more dreams... want to move forward to the next level...maybe next life.. where there are glimpses of hope...!
thanxxxx for coming and sharing...
keep in touch
cheers n love
Achi
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Hiii Kalpita...
Good to see ya...
Thanxxx a lott for coming and sharing...
They r songs by KURT COBAIN...
cheers
Achi
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Wowwww!!! Indu jee...
Rillllyyyyyyyy!!!!... did I blow ya mind away... :)))
thanxxx a lottt sweets...
good to see ya here...
keep coming.. feels good...
thnx again
cheers n love
Achi
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